So I know I haven't used this in a long time. But I need to be talking about what's in my head more. Maybe this will help.

The friend who came round for hot chocolate died, by the way. Three months after that. That was actually the last time I saw her. She killed herself.

I was just re-reading the last few posts and saw that and. Yeah. Remembered.

I blame myself. Not entirely, obviously, I know she had plenty of problems, and we weren't that close. But that's kind of why I blame myself. She wanted to be closer. She reached out so many times, and I never made the time to reach out back. She was so lonely. I could have helped. And I didn't. And I try to tell myself not to blame myself, that I wasn't responsible for her, that I might not have made any difference at all. But I still feel guilty. And I miss her.

I'm having a bad-ish day today. Not because of that, though thinking about it hasn't exactly helped. It was just one of those days where you don't want to wake up, because you can't face being conscious, being alive, having to get through another day, distract your brain until you can pass out again. It's never a good sign when the day starts that way, and it's been happening more than I'd like lately.

I've been having to distract my brain constantly, if I stop watching or reading things then I start thinking and my brain spirals downwards until I start to feel panicky because, y'know, everything is terrible forever, nothing is fixable, etc. etc. I've thought a lot about suicide these past few (months? Weeks? I'm not sure - I think months, on and off?) Not intending to do anything about it in the near future kind of way exactly. Just in a 'well, it's inevitable, really' kind of way, an 'it's the only solution, in the end' kind of way. Sort of casually, not like it's a big deal, just...it's gonna happen sooner or later, right? There's no other way out of this. It would be easier.

I don't feel like I'm in danger yet, though. I don't have a plan, I'm not preparing, not researching or acquiring stuff I need, looking up fatal doses of my meds, any of that. It's still in the abstract. I've spent a lot of my life in this place, it's not crisis level yet.

It's still not great, though.

Working is good. (Well, volunteering.) It keeps my mind fully occupied and I feel useful and competent and good things like that. I got to the end of a shift a little while ago after having a little while off and realized that I'd gone 5 hours without thinking about the inevitability of my death, and it made me realize just how much I'd been focussed on it lately.

I suppose I should do something. I've been struggling to do anything at all. Even making myself cook is difficult, even though I get hungry, really hungry, want to eat and eat and eat, but I also don't want to move. I am still eating two meals a day, I have to ;cause of my meds. I'm not leaving the house unless I really have to. Pokemon Go helped for a bit, I went out a couple of times since getting back from my trip to Wales, but my pain levels were really bad for a bit, and since then my ability to do anything has disappeared.

Doing something. I know I could try to get my meds adjusted, but it feels like that won't help, like the problem is me, is my life, I need to make a change, I need to take control of my life and my self care, need to get back on track to achieving things and having a meaningful life. But I don't know how, cause I can't do anything.

I should be applying for jobs. But it scares me so much, and I still don't know that I can do that, not really. I still need time off like every month. What employer would put up with that. But I'm not convinced I'll be able to get ESA, either. I feel like I've fallen into the gap and I'm trapped.

Doing something. I've got that psychiatrist appointment coming up at some point, but they haven't sent the replacement appointment yet, and I'm scared that it won't be helpful anyway. I could try to get in touch and say that I've worsened, but I feel like I'll probably be doing better again, or think I'm doing better, by the time an appointment rolled around, and then I'd feel like a fool, like a fraud.

And if not. I'm scared of them diagnosing me with BPD. That's a whole other post though, I should probably stop rambling and get to bed. This is probably incoherent enough already. I'm not going to come to any useful conclusions tonight, and my meds are making me a little stoned so thinking clearly is getting difficult. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Night all.