I don't know how to reconcile the man from my childhood who terrified me and treated me and my sisters and my mum like shit, who threatened me and hit me and made me feel like a worthless useless person, who drove me to the point of considering suicide when I was only a fucking kid... with the man who asks about my health and makes me cups of tea and asks if he can send me money because he's worried about me not eating well enough and gets angry at the DWP on my behalf and walks at my pace no matter how slow it is and gives me hugs and tells me to look after myself.  And it's not like the first guy has disappeared, I know he's still there, I know he comes out sometimes, if less often. I know that if I challenged him or made him feel powerless he wouldn't hesitate to threaten me with violence again.

I could deal with this shit better when I didn't think I would ever have his respect or love, not really.  But now he acts like he maybe does actually care about me and I just don't know how to deal with that.  I love him and I hate him and I feel guilty for hating him and guilty for loving him and I don't know how to have both of those emotions about the same person I just don't.

He just sent me a nice e-mail and I'm sitting here weeping.  I don't know how to handle this.

I don't even know how to ask for help handling this.  He's being nice to me.  This should be a good thing. And it is. Kind of. I don't know.