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So. After trying to kill myself, going to hospital, vomiting, losing the ability to walk or speak, becoming delusional and hallucinating, hitting my head and other body parts repeatedly, discharged and sent home in a riot van whilst still delusional and unable to walk or speak, watched overnight by my terrified friends as I drifted in and out of consciousness... I woke up.
I was still unable to control my body properly, the world was spinning continually, and much much worse when I moved my head, I was nauseous (I was sick once during a trip to the toilet but I don't think I vomited again after that), I had very bad bruising on my arms and legs, the entire top half of my head was bruised and swollen, I had one very bad black eye (and the second one came up the next day), my jaw hurt when I opened it wide, one of my teeth was wobbly and numb/painful, my left shoulder felt wrenched, there was something wrong with my right leg, I couldn't straighten my legs properly to start with (due to sleeping in foetal position for so long I think), I had a headache and pain everywhere, pain in my ears, couldn't think clearly, felt stoned, was slurring very badly, and was exhausted, and I was confused.
My friends explained what had happened, and... I just felt even more confused, and upset and hurt and scared and angry. I couldn't believe what had happened. I don't expect great treatment from the hospital, they don't have a great reputation, but I couldn't believe they would do *that*.
I felt guilty for scaring and worrying all my friends, and for them having to go through all that because of me.
I asked my friends to see if I could see the doctor at my local surgery, because I wanted to know if the overdose would have done any long term damage, and how long I would be ill like I was, and whether I was concussed, and if my jaw and teeth were okay, whether I'd pulled anything in my shoulder, whether there was anything I should be doing, whether I could take my painkillers, when I should start taking my mood stabilisers again (if I should start taking my mood stabilisers again). Because the hospital thought I was faking they didn't provide any discharge advice or information or refer me on anywhere.
My friends brought me some food and I gradually regained some appetite. (Apparently they tried to get me to eat at one point in the night, they brought me KFC and managed with some effort to get me to understand that there was KFC, I slurred KFC back and indicated that I wanted some, and then... started chewing. Just lay there and chewed. And they realized I was hallucinating eating the KFC, even though they hadn't actually given it to me yet. I refused to sit up to take the KFC, because as far as I was concerned I was already eating it. When they finally got me to take the bag I apparently put it over my head and went back to sleep.) I drank some water too. My coordination and balance improved gradually, and by mid afternoon I was able to walk to the bathroom and back just using my crutch and leaning on things - still very wobbly and having to move very slowly and carefully - if I moved fast at all I my body would overshoot massively in whatever direction I was moving in. It was still a significant trip to get to the bathroom and back though.
The on-call doctor agreed to fit me in at the end of the day, at 4.50pm I think it was. My friends tried to get hold of a wheelchair to try to get me there, but couldn't find one. My friends called a taxi to right outside my door, and with my crutch and support from my friends I managed to get into it, and made it through the drive by keeping my eyes closed (still dizzy and nauseous), it dropped us off right outside the surgery and with my friends supporting me, and my crutch, I made it to the seating area and lay down on the seats until we were called.
The doctor seemed nice, and he listened to our explanation of what had happened - largely from my friends, and I spoke when necessary, still very slurred, and keeping my eyes closed or fixed on the floor, because the world still span if I moved my head. He checked my pulse and blood pressure and my eyes and said they were all normal. He asked a little about why I'd done it, and how I felt now, whether I thought I was likely to do it again. I think I said I wouldn't do it again in the next few days, because I didn't have the energy, anything else aside. He said he would change my meds so I could only have a week's supply at a time, and I explained that I wouldn't try to kill myself again with the carbamazepine unless I had an awful lot more anyway, because I knew that much wouldn't kill me now, and I never wanted to go through that again. I was trying to explain that I wasn't at risk of just doing it again, but I'm not sure it came out as reassuring as I intended somehow. He said that it sounded very unusual, the way the hospital treated me, and I'm not sure whether he believed us or not. He said he would look into it, and also that the crisis team weren't allowed to discharge me from their books without speaking to me, so they should get in touch with me at some point in the next day or two, and he took my friend's phone number, saying he would ring to check in on how I was and whether the crisis team had gotten in touch or not in a couple of days.
He said in all likelihood yes, I was concussed. He said my shoulder wasn't dislocated or fractured, it was just internal bruising. I think he explained that the bruising on my forehead wouldn't colour up because the skin was too thin there, but yes, it was swollen. He told me the tramadol would make me drowsy, and as I was still very drowsy that wouldn't be a good idea, but that I could maybe take it before bed. And to leave the carbamazepine until Thursday so the overdose would be out of my system, and then start back on it. He told me that as it was more than 12 hours since the overdose I was out of the danger zone so I should be fine, and there shouldn't be any long term effects. He also said that it *could* have killed me though, and I was very lucky it hadn't.
The crisis team have not got in touch. Nor has the doctor rung to check in on me. No one has contacted me.
My friends stayed with me until bedtime on Monday, and then because I was able to get to the bathroom and back without their help now I was left to sleep alone overnight - I wasn't going to try again to kill myself right then so it was safe to do so.
Over the next week I rested a lot, and my symptoms gradually improved until my balance and motor control were back to normal and I regained the ability to walk. I stopped slurring and feeling stoned, and the drowsiness wore off. I continued to get tired very very easily and my balance and slurring were worse when I first got up and when I got very tired, for a while, but now they're all back to normal. My bruises are healing up, my jaw feels normal, my tooth still feels funny but I think it's getting better. I continued to have pain in my ears, and loud noises were painful for some time - possibly part of the balance problems were from hitting the side of my head and hurting my ears at some point? I apparently smacked my head hard from pretty much every angle at some point. My ears still feel kinda funny but I think they're getting back to normal. They were very painful when I was out in the cold a few days ago, but the weather has warmed up now.
As to my mood... to start with I was just focussing on getting better, getting back my ability to see properly and walk and talk, and that kind of overruled everything else. I didn't feel glad to be alive, or angry to be alive. Just... overwhelmed and unable to think. I was quite tearful, and cried quite often over the next few days even in front of people, which isn't like me. On the whole I was relatively cheerful I think, making jokes about my condition and chatting to my friends. At least in part that was just because I didn't want to worry them any more, after everything they'd been through, I just wanted to be as much like me as I could, just normal okay me, but also I was *able* to be like that, because I wasn't thinking about the future or anything other than getting through the hours at that point. As my faculties returned my mood got worse though. I still didn't really wanted to be alive, still didn't see any way of things ever getting better, and now they were worse, and now the hospital was no longer an option, I could never go back there, whatever happened. I became terrified of being sectioned - I never thought it would be pleasant, but now, after what had just happened, it was a petrifying thought. I would be completely subject to the hospital staff and they could do anything, they could decide I was faking, they could leave me with no help when I was completely physically incapable, without painkillers when I was hurting. I couldn't trust them to treat me with even basic humanity. And I felt so hurt and scared about what happened. Kind of in shock over it. Even though I don't remember half of it, it's been, well, kind of traumatic. Physically and mentally.
I didn't feel like I could try to kill myself again any time soon, because I couldn't put my friends through that again. But at the same time I had no hope that my life would ever get better.
I focussed on keeping busy - my friends were awesome and made sure I was rarely alone, people talked to me online and visited me pretty much every day. People brought me food and toilet roll and things, because I wasn't capable of shopping or cooking for a while. I got given a LOT of chocolate :P
And then my mood started to lift a little - still wobbly, I made the mistake of watching The Hours on sunday (on my own, no less) and cried hopeless on and off for hours afterwards. On Monday my mood began to lift considerably and my insight came back, and I was able to have some hope and see that things can be better, and began to feel able to enjoy things a little again, and then by the evening I think I was mildly hypomanic - I was talking a lot and fast, and I was physically agitated and tapping a lot, and I had much more energy than usual, and I ignored my pain, and the fact that there are consequences for doing things and did way too much, physically speaking, and got in a silly mood and felt actually kind of happy for the first time in kind of a while. It's a very very welcome break from the wanting to die, but I should remember that it's not me getting better, it's just my mood swinging the other way, which means it will swing back down again soon. In the meantime I need to try to use it to try to achieve some things.
I have a load of financial concerns I need to try to sort. I need to arrange to see my regular doctor to discuss where we go from here. I haven't started taking my mood stabilisers again - I was going to, and then when the day came I just... couldn't face it. I think if I go back on them I want to be on a higher dose, because that clearly wasn't helping enough, but I need to talk to my doctor before doing that. Last time I saw her she told me I could take the dose down, but not up without talking to her - I'd reported that I was more stable than I'd been, and I think she thought that meant I was better, when really it was just that I wasn't as bad - still a long way off good. I haven't seen her in months now though, because when I get bad I can't really do anything, so I don't feel up to making and keeping appointments.
And I want to make a complaint about my treatment. So I need to go and see people to get advice on how to do it, and request my medical records, and write my complaint. A friend has suggested writing to my MP as well. My friends want to complain as well, they're livid about how I was treated. I don't know how it works, whether we all put one complaint it with multiple signatures at the bottom, or if I should make a separate complaint from them, or if just one of us should complain? I need to get advice, really. One friend has suggested talking to the Community Health Council, and another says I should talk to Mind, and/or CAB. Unfortunately all these things scare me, I'm terrible at talking to strangers/making and keeping appointments to see people. Right now I'm in a place where I could probably manage it, but 'cause I've been actually feeling good I've been focussing on that, reading things and spending time with friends, spent a little time on trying to sort my flat out a bit (it had gotten to a seriously disgusting state), took a load of garbage to the tip, that sort of thing. I need to get started on this though, I don't want to put it off and then end up not doing it. It's really important to me that I follow this up, both for my sake and to try to stop this ever happening again to someone else.
I'm scared that I won't be believed, that they'll just wave my medical records and say the tests said I was fine, and claim I spoke to a psychiatrist during the period when none of my friends were there, and say I really was just faking, but I have to try. Even if I *was* faking (which, y'know, I really wasn't) their behaviour was still unacceptable - if I was willing to fake being ill to the point of concussing myself by hitting my head on everything and somehow making myself vomit (even though it was in front of nurses so I clearly wasn't shoving my fingers down my throat) and pretending to not be able to walk or speak and weeing through my pants, then *surely* there'd have to be something pretty wrong with me, at least worth keeping me in for observation for a while?? And even if I was faking surely they should have checked me for concussion when I hit my head?
I just don't understand.
Anyway. That's what happened. Sorry this has been so unbelievably long-winded, I know it's probably boring as fuck, but I wanted to write out exactly what happened in as much detail as I could. Anything else aside I know if I just summarise it it just sounds unbelievable, so I worry that people will assume I'm skewing the facts. I'm hoping if I explain in detail everything exactly as it happened people will see I'm not just misinterpreting or exaggerating. And I needed to write this all out to get it straight in my head.
If you've actually read all this, then well done, and thank you :P
And then my mood started to lift a little - still wobbly, I made the mistake of watching The Hours on sunday (on my own, no less) and cried hopeless on and off for hours afterwards. On Monday my mood began to lift considerably and my insight came back, and I was able to have some hope and see that things can be better, and began to feel able to enjoy things a little again, and then by the evening I think I was mildly hypomanic - I was talking a lot and fast, and I was physically agitated and tapping a lot, and I had much more energy than usual, and I ignored my pain, and the fact that there are consequences for doing things and did way too much, physically speaking, and got in a silly mood and felt actually kind of happy for the first time in kind of a while. It's a very very welcome break from the wanting to die, but I should remember that it's not me getting better, it's just my mood swinging the other way, which means it will swing back down again soon. In the meantime I need to try to use it to try to achieve some things.
I have a load of financial concerns I need to try to sort. I need to arrange to see my regular doctor to discuss where we go from here. I haven't started taking my mood stabilisers again - I was going to, and then when the day came I just... couldn't face it. I think if I go back on them I want to be on a higher dose, because that clearly wasn't helping enough, but I need to talk to my doctor before doing that. Last time I saw her she told me I could take the dose down, but not up without talking to her - I'd reported that I was more stable than I'd been, and I think she thought that meant I was better, when really it was just that I wasn't as bad - still a long way off good. I haven't seen her in months now though, because when I get bad I can't really do anything, so I don't feel up to making and keeping appointments.
And I want to make a complaint about my treatment. So I need to go and see people to get advice on how to do it, and request my medical records, and write my complaint. A friend has suggested writing to my MP as well. My friends want to complain as well, they're livid about how I was treated. I don't know how it works, whether we all put one complaint it with multiple signatures at the bottom, or if I should make a separate complaint from them, or if just one of us should complain? I need to get advice, really. One friend has suggested talking to the Community Health Council, and another says I should talk to Mind, and/or CAB. Unfortunately all these things scare me, I'm terrible at talking to strangers/making and keeping appointments to see people. Right now I'm in a place where I could probably manage it, but 'cause I've been actually feeling good I've been focussing on that, reading things and spending time with friends, spent a little time on trying to sort my flat out a bit (it had gotten to a seriously disgusting state), took a load of garbage to the tip, that sort of thing. I need to get started on this though, I don't want to put it off and then end up not doing it. It's really important to me that I follow this up, both for my sake and to try to stop this ever happening again to someone else.
I'm scared that I won't be believed, that they'll just wave my medical records and say the tests said I was fine, and claim I spoke to a psychiatrist during the period when none of my friends were there, and say I really was just faking, but I have to try. Even if I *was* faking (which, y'know, I really wasn't) their behaviour was still unacceptable - if I was willing to fake being ill to the point of concussing myself by hitting my head on everything and somehow making myself vomit (even though it was in front of nurses so I clearly wasn't shoving my fingers down my throat) and pretending to not be able to walk or speak and weeing through my pants, then *surely* there'd have to be something pretty wrong with me, at least worth keeping me in for observation for a while?? And even if I was faking surely they should have checked me for concussion when I hit my head?
I just don't understand.
Anyway. That's what happened. Sorry this has been so unbelievably long-winded, I know it's probably boring as fuck, but I wanted to write out exactly what happened in as much detail as I could. Anything else aside I know if I just summarise it it just sounds unbelievable, so I worry that people will assume I'm skewing the facts. I'm hoping if I explain in detail everything exactly as it happened people will see I'm not just misinterpreting or exaggerating. And I needed to write this all out to get it straight in my head.
If you've actually read all this, then well done, and thank you :P
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