Woke up and cried again today. This is getting to be a theme. This time my ex wasn't the trigger, it was C. I popped to the shops before the barbecue to grab some bits and pieces yesterday and she was there. Long story short she was my friend and now she's not. I've never gotten any closure on it because the last time I spoke to her we were good friends, hell last time I saw her I spent christmas at her house, with her and her husband and her daughter, and she made it clear I was part of the family. We'd never fallen out, she'd never expressed any issues with me. Her husband had been my best friend for a very long time and we'd progressed to being in a poly relationship, although that hadn't worked out and we were back to just being friends. He wasn't taking it very well though, and things had been strained. After christmas there was an incident and I said I needed space from him for a while. I went away for a couple of weeks. By the time I got back C hated me and didn't want me to be part of their family any more, didn't want me to have contact with her daughter or her husband. W (her husband) told me about this. I never got to speak to her about it. I was just told that she no longer wanted anything to do with me, and whilst he had won out on being allowed contact with me and for me and him to try to rebuild our friendship it took a lot of arguing, and she basically saw me as the freaking antichrist apparently. Which was very hard to understand given the last time I saw her she was so clear on the fact that I was family. Either she'd been hiding having problems with me very well for a long time, and me wanting space from W was the last straw, or... *shrugs* I know she'd had a hard year, both with health problems and relationship stuff with W, as far as I can tell she suddenly decided all the latter were my fault, despite having been fine with it all at the time. I made it very fucking clear that if she was ever uncomfortable with anything between me and W that I would end it, no question. She insisted she was fine with it and that she was glad it had happened and she thought it was good for their family. Hell, she was talking about me maybe moving in with them one day or me being a surrogate for her and W to have a child, shit like that, at points. So either she's a very convincing liar or something changed, and I don't know what. I feel like I'm missing some important piece of the puzzle, but I don't know what.
Anyway, I saw her outside the shop yesterday. I focussed on using my phone and pretended I hadn't seen her when I went in, to avoid the awkwardness of her blanking me or whatever would have happened. I don't know if she even saw me. But it made me really sad. And today it came back to me and I found myself imagining us meeting and me not blanking her and us ending up talking and it all turning out to have been some huge misunderstanding and us hugging and it all being okay... even though I know that's not what's going to happen. It's been made clear to me by mutual friends that I am dead to her, essentially, and so me going up and saying hello really would not have ended that way. And I just started crying and crying. I miss her. She was my friend and everything's been so focussed around all the drama with W that I feel like everyone's ignored the fact that I lost a friend and I don't even fucking know why. I mean, clearly it was something to do with everything with W, that she felt betrayed by me pulling away from him or mad that I'd hurt him or felt betrayed by them letting me into their home for christmas and me then pulling away, but none of that really makes sense on its own, to go from family to I never want to see you again and I never want you to have anything to do with my entire family ever again. It hurts to have someone who cared about you decide you're basically evil.
I also miss their daughter like crazy. I've cried so so much over missing her. I'm allowed to see her again now, if it's with our mutual friend who looks after her, but I haven't seen her to arrange it yet for various reasons.
But missing C led to thinking of my sister who's also in the last year decided she wants nothing to do with me. That really really fucking hurts. And again over pretty much nothing. There was this stupid thing over G+, when she told me how fibromyalgia isn't a serious disabling condition and I could control it with exercise if I just tried, and how she *wished* she just had such a mild condition like that that she could fix so easily, instead of having arthritis as well, which is a *proper* disease. I disagreed, provided sources, pointed out the errors in the article she linked about fibro and exercise, and said that I had no interest in playing the 'whose illness penis is bigger' game. Which I thought was pretty restrained. But apparently this was me bullying her, and I sicced all my friends on her (some of my friends also posted on the open G+ thread to disagree politely with her - this all started from me posting a '10 things not to say to someone with fibromyalgia' thing, and her immediately posted to say most of them). Anyway. I figured this was just a stupid little falling out and things would be back to normal soon after - we're not close, we see the world very differently, so our interactions are mostly birthday and christmas cards and presents and small talk when we see each other at family things, when she makes thinly veiled digs at me and I try to find non-controversial areas of interaction or avoid her.
But this time she persisted, she didn't send christmas cards or presents - I sent hers as usual, via my mum, and my mum reported back that my sister had been very surprised, as she thought we were having some kind of feud or something, but that if I wasn't going to be petty she wouldn't either. Then she got pregnant and didn't tell me, I found out eventually from my mum. She set up a website to put all the scans and then later baby photos on, and instructed my parents not to let me know about it (my dad let slip). She didn't tell me when the baby was born, again my mum let me know, and I didn't see any baby photos. I finally met the baby when I came down to visit for my dad's birthday, but she didn't let me hold him. She didn't send a card for my birthday. I asked my mum for her address so I could send presents for my nephew and my mum embarrassedly told me that actually she didn't think A would want me to have it, so if I wanted to send anything it would have to be via mum and dad.
I KNOW that she's the one who's acting like a kid here, I know this all started with her saying hurtful things to me, I know it's not me in the wrong here really. But it still hurts and I still miss her. I don't like her very much, she's often a pretty unpleasant person. But she's my sister, and I thought no matter what she would always be my sister. But apparently she's decided she doesn't really want to be my sister any more. My mum says she disapproves of the choices I've made in life. I'm not sure which choices those are. I think the ones where I didn't just buck up and get over my fibro and get back to work probably. I know she disapproves of me roleplaying and stuff - it's kids stuff and I should have grown up by now. I don't know what else. She pretty much just disapproves of me. All of me. She's never liked me. She's done nice things for me, but her attempts to reach out to me when I was younger were always attempts to fix me, to teach me how to be better, how to be more like her.
I still can't help feeling guilty though, feeling like this is all my fault. I pushed her away. She knows I don't like her just as I know she doesn't like me. As a kid I was always closer to my other two sisters and I didn't really hide it. I've fucked up and forgotten her birthday and shit like that lots of times (I also forget other people's birthdays, it's not just hers, but yeah it was probably hers more often than others). I haven't always responded so well to her attempts at friendship (generally cause they were so full of her judging me and trying to fix me, but still). My other sister put a thread up on g+ with a limited circle complaining about some things she'd done (which were pretty fucking out of order) and how frustrated she was and part of my response was that I'd given up on her. 'Cause I kinda had, I'd given up on her ever understanding me or acting in a way that I would want my sister to act. That doesn't mean I'd given up on her being my sister though, or that I'd stopped loving her. It turned out she'd messed up and my sister's partner could see the whole thread. He agreed not to share it with her cause he thought it wouldn't be helpful for anyone, but I'm worried in case he did and she decided to give up on me because of that. And my little sister S said that when the whole G+ thing happened A (the sister in question) had mentioned an e-mail one of my friends had sent that she considered me to have been behind. I haven't been able to find out who sent it or what it said or even if it really existed (S wasn't sure if she'd just misinterpreted A talking about the G+ comments) - but I worry about what might have been in that, if that's what's caused all of this, given she thought I was behind it.
I don't know. I just know that she's my sister and I don't want her to hate me. I still love her. I may not like her very much but I still love her, and I don't think she loves me any more.
The last time I saw her before everything fell apart things went really well, too, the best they've gone in a long time. She'd arranged this birthday party for my mum's 60th, and we all came down, all the family and friends, and I helped out wherever I could, and me and A actually got on pretty well, she didn't snipe at me for the whole day, and I remember it felt so fucking nice, I was so glad to have us actually feel like we were on the same side for once, like she didn't despise me for once.
And then it all went wrong, and it doesn't feel fixable this time. I'm trying to just be the mature one, to wait it out, to still get her birthday and christmas presents, to still make things for her son (my nephew - I want to be part of his life, but I'm pretty sure a big part of this is that she doesn't want me to in any way be a potential influence on him - she thinks I'm a failure and she doesn't want him to be like me).
Anyway. I've been crying on and off for the past 2.5 hours because of C and A and just generally all the people I feel like I've lost in the past year or so - W is still technically my friend but nothing like before, and my ex, and C and A and C+W's daughter, and I'm still mourning the loss of Y - my best friend from school. I feel like I'm trying so hard to do the right thing and to be a good person but I still just keep losing people because of who I am. Which is reinforcing my feeling of being a complete failure and pretty much worth despising right now.
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