Sorry for lack of updates.  I've had ideas for posts sometimes but haven't been able to put any words down.

I was remarkably stable for a few weeks - not entirely sure how long, but much longer than usual.  Definitely doing the best I've done in a long time.  Kept my flat relatively tidy (by my standards), was getting up and getting dressed most days, wasn't having suicidal dips or intrusive thoughts about self harm.  So it was good timing to get the letter through saying I've been found fit for work.

Well, I suppose there's no good time to get that letter, but it could have arrived at a much worse time.  As it was I was upset and angry, I cried and I ranted, but I didn't sink into despair like I would have done a couple of months ago.  I managed to research appeals, rang and requested the form and the report and requested a reconsideration, and began filling it out.

I think it might have disturbed the stability I'd achieved though - my mood dropped over the following week. Still not as badly as it's done before, but I was tearful a lot - not over the ESA decision, other things.  Mostly over missing my ex - we've been broken up nearly a year, but it was a four year relationship and we were very serious - we were trying for a baby just before everything went wrong.  I think it was for the best we broke up, and we've remained friends to some extent, but sometimes I just miss him like crazy.  Over the past week I've found myself weeping pretty much out of nowhere over missing him at least four times now.  I think that's less about missing him and more about my mood dropping though - I would be weeping over something else if it wasn't him probably.  Anyway, things have been less good.  The flat had started to get messy anyway for Reasons, and over the past week my ability to tidy up seems to have disappeared and it's turned into a pigsty.  My ability to do anything productive seems to have vanished.  The urge to self harm came back.  My self esteem dropped - I realized that I didn't understand how anyone could actively like me - I mean, I could be convenient, I could listen when someone needs to talk, and I can be not-unpleasant to be around, but I'm not actually interesting or funny like other people, there's no substance to me.  Mostly people stay around because they pity me because I'm crazy now.  There's no way my ex could miss me because there's nothing to miss.  I managed to identify this and that it sounded like crazies, but at the same time I couldn't find a way to believe it wasn't true.

Today though I seem to have come up - I've been in a somewhat silly mood.  Still not able to do anything *productive* really, but very excitable and enthusiastic about other things, pissing about on the internet and putting lots of ALLCAPS POSTS ZOMG and talking SO MUCH and faster and singing silly songs even though we were in public and so on.  My pain and fatigue are still flaring though, which has put a lid on it somewhat.  I wanted to skip and pull my boyfriend along by the hand and dance around like a mad thing and talk about all the things but I hurt too much and now I'm lying down resting and I feel very tired and I have a headache and I've calmed down some.

Again, not nearly as bad as it gets, and my brain feels fast but not really racing and tangled yet.  It's still at that kinda nice stage.  Although I'm a bit concerned about tonight - I've got a game with friends (Serenity roleplay) and I know I'm going to be silly and unable to concentrate and won't take things seriously and the gm will get annoyed with me :/ Pain makes concentrating difficult *anyway*, this really won't help.

Ah well, see how it goes.