Anxious

I'm feeling kind of anxious today, and was for much of the night.  I think the situation with my ex is what triggered it.  I haven't been having trouble with anxiety much lately at all, up until last night.  Very long story short he's upset because I'm with someone else now, even though it was about 7 months ago we split up and we were only together a few months (although they were admittedly a very intense few months that were the result of having had feelings for each other for years), and he doesn't want to be with me anyway (in his words, L is welcome to me - said with vehemence). He told me in person and then messaged me further online afterwards. I told him I was sorry he was hurting and I hoped it would get better and I didn't really know what else to say.  Apparently this was me 'acting like we never even fucking knew each other' and he decided 'fuck this noise' and went to bed.  I got apologies by FB message this morning.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if this wasn't such a familiar pattern.  Him doing this, being hurt and angry and lashing out at me and then apologising the next day, repeatedly, was one of the reasons I ended up cutting off all contact with him for 6 months.  We recently tentatively started trying to be friends again, and things were going well, aaaaand now this.

And then in my sleep-deprived anxious state last night I started worrying about everyone else I might have somehow hurt with this.  I kept trying to remind myself I have no reason to feel guilty.  No one else wants a relationship with me (to my knowledge) so I'm not rejecting anyone by doing this (not that I should feel guilty for that anyway, you can't choose who you like, but this is crazybrain we're dealing with), I have been single for 7 months so neither of my exes have a reason to feel like I'm being inconsiderate, there's been a good gap, we've told people pretty much immediately as soon as it happened, I even told one ex (the one that freaked) in person first before we announced it on FB so he wouldn't find out via the internet.  There is no reason I should be feeling guilty. I like a boy, he likes me, no one is getting hurt.  And I had just been feeling smiley and happy about it all.  And then after W last night I felt crappy and stressed about him hurting over it and just started thinking of all these reasons people might be upset or hurt by it, that my other ex who I was getting on really well with last night might be hurt, that maybe it's really bad timing, that he was trying to reach out for us to be friends again and now doing this will make things weird and awkward, that he'll be upset I didn't tell him in person before announcing it on FB, there are people I'm worried will be hurt I didn't tell them personally or warn them it was going to happen (even though I'm not bloody psychic, I didn't *know* it was going to happen, nor do I have some kind of obligation to inform them), that the guy that was my play partner will be upset because I'll have to take him off my fetlife relationships section, even though we haven't played in over 6 months cause he left town and we just kind of left it up cause we figured we might play again if we were ever in the same place so what does it matter?, that my friend I slept with a few times last year will be upset because he'd still like to sleep with me (even though we're not sleeping together atm anyway so me being with someone else doesn't change anything) that my sister will be weirded out by it because he's younger than she is, that people will judge me because of the age gap or that I'll end up hurting him somehow that I'll go off him suddenly after leading him on and end up breaking it off and making him feel crappy or saddling him with some kind of insecurity or neurosis or ARGHHHHH. My brain just wouldn't shut up all night.  I kept trying to think about other things, kept reminding myself this is all silly and I have no reason to feel guilty, that I'm not doing anything wrong, but it just kept running back down the same tracks over and over and over.  I wouldn't even realize I was thinking about it until I realized how stressed I was feeling - I was in that half-asleep state where you can't really control your thoughts, they just kind of slip around and drop in and out of things, rather than following a coherent train, and so I just had this barrage of stress and accusations pounding away at me no matter which way I turned.

I'm feeling better today, I don't believe any of those things, I don't think I have any reason to feel guilty, and I don't really think anyone other than W is going to be hurt by this, and if they are then it's not my fault or my problem, and anyone who wants me to feel guilty for having a relationship with someone I like (given we're both available and have no obligations to anyone else) is not someone whose opinion I should be caring about anyway.  But the anxious feeling in my chest seems to be lingering.  It's not really bad, it's not up to stabby chest pain levels, it's just kind of like a fist around my heart squeezing firmly all the time.

It's also making me avoid things.  L said to text him when I wake up and he'll head over, and I want to see him, and I'm feeling smiley about the thought of seeing him, but I don't feel capable of facing the day yet, of dealing with people and making decisions and things.  I need to ring my parents, urgently, and we need to make plans for tonight - might be meeting up with another friend and watching musicals this evening - and I just feel... unready. For life. And people.  And so I've been putting off texting him because I'm not ready for today to start yet. Even though I've been awake since 9am.

In fairness I'm also tired - was up until 6am by accident. And then slept badly due to anxiety, and woke up early at 9 and couldn't get back to sleep.  That's probably not helping with my levels of cope.

On the plus side, I'm not depressed.  Just anxious :) Anxiety is vastly vastly preferable to depression, at least for me.

L just came on FB. Easier to message on there than text somehow. He's heading round after lunch :) Still feeling anxious and scared of the day starting but glad that the decision's been made now.