Things are going rapidly downhill. Today I woke up and just started crying for no real reason.  Well, no reason and every reason.  Everything is just suddenly terrible and I'm a shit person and I've lost so many people and it's all my fault and I miss them so much. Everything I thought about just made me cry harder.  I think the thing that tipped me over into tears in the first place was thinking of my sister.  My mum had to tell me a couple of days ago that she can't give me my own sister's address, because she doesn't think she'd want me to have it.  I don't even like my sister and I don't expect her to like me but she's still my fucking sister and I miss her and I love her and I kind of always thought it was would be the same for her but apparently instead she gave up and decided not to bother having any kind of relationship with me at all.  And now I'm crying again.  And thinking of her made me think of the other people I've lost.

I've been crazy for much of the past few days.  Yesterday my anxiety got really bad in the evening, really suddenly, and it kind of turned into depression and everything became terrible and wrong and messed up and I was disconnected from everyone.

I'm scared because I don't want to go crazy again. My head feels all tangled again and like everything is wrong and I can't fix it.  And I'm scared because I don't want to get back to where I was, where the only option was to kill myself. I'm really really scared of that.  Not of the killing myself part, but of feeling that bad, and that isolated and full of despair.  I don't want to be there again.

I knew my mood was going to drop again, I know this is how it goes, up down up down up down I KNOW but I guess I still get caught up in feeling happy and start thinking maybe it will last this time. So fucking stupid.  So I had my week or two (I really don't know how long it was :/ It feels like everything after a day or two just fades away and there are patches of memories, knowledge of things that happened here and there, but I don't know when or what connects them and it all feels very far away.) of being able to do things and think vaguely clearly and now it's being taken away again.