:/

I've been looking forward to tonight all week and now I just can't face it.  I have to go, it's my chance to see some friends that live on another continent normally and I've no idea when I'll see them again.  But I'm just feeling crappy.  I'm physically feeling shit, I'm in a lot of pain and exhausted still.  I slept 17 hours last night, but I'm still feeling tired.  It's been a long week.  And I'm still on my period, which always makes everything worse.  And mentally I'm feeling... wobbly.  I think getting the letter through from my doctor this morning just brought everything up again. I'm feeling anxious, and just kind of... upset? Kind of broken.  This week has been about focussing on being productive and sorting things and planning things and putting things back together and getting on track yaddda yadda yadda and I feel like I've just been hit with the unavoidable awareness that I am still completely fucked in the head and broken and crazy I have so many issues to resolve and I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF THREE WEEKS AGO.

Aside:

I got some pork chops off a friend a few weeks ago cause he was emptying his freezer. I'm not normally a fan of pork, but I need food and they were free and last time I tried pork it wasn't *vile* so I thought it would be okay.  I made sure I was starving when I cooked them, 'cause that makes everything taste nicer.  I found them kinda dry so I put some chutney on them as it was all I had. I made it through the first one and started on the second but found it just tasted worse and worse until I felt kind of ill so had to stop.

Since then every time I think of them I feel physically sick and sometimes my gorge rises.  Writing this has been astoundingly difficult.  The reason I'm bringing it up is I wasn't sure why I was having such a strong reaction to it, and then just now I was checking my facebook to check the date of something and found the day I ate them was the day of my overdose.  Am wondering if it was the eating that was the problem or the vomiting it back up later perhaps - I've had this once before, there was a meal I used to like until one day I had a tummy bug after and vomited it up and after that I felt sick every time I thought of it. Brains are weird.  Okay gonna go think of something else because this is making me feel seriously sick.